Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Google Wants to Mess With Your Swerve: Street View Attacks

Image courtesy of smh.com.au

Beware ! If you spot this car, or any compact car with a bizarre looking camera mounted on a steel pole get the hell away. It's the Street View Car and as it takes pictures of landmarks and non descript streets it will also ruin your game.

A British Man found this out the wrong way. His wife was checking her friends homes on Street View. When she searched the address of one of her more promiscuous friends she discovered a shocking truth. Her husbands car was parked outside the sluts house. The couple is now heading to divorce court and the husband now uses Yahoo! Google is probably going to announce Google Divorce as the next app to take advantage of the phenomenon.

While the privacy concerns are many, Street View allows you to take a peek at some of the most famous addresses in the world as they looked a couple of years ago. It lets you see UFO's too.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Blame It on Bosh

Chris Bosh is one of the good guys. A couple of years ago I saw him wait for five minutes to take a picture while a fan tried to figure out his camera. Since being drafted by the Raptors in 2003 he’s become a fan favourite, an all star, a member of Team USA and a viral video phenom. There has never been a bad word spoken of Chris Bosh. Until now that is.

Chris Bosh is not going to be a member of the Raptors for long. It started with an ESPN report that he wanted a trade. Currently his paternity suit is all over the papers. The real truth is that Bosh either wants out or the Raptors don’t think he’s worth the maximum money the other members of his draft class will get. He’s good but he’s not LeBron or Dwayne Wade good.

So instead of honesty it’s time for an age old Toronto sports reporter trick. When the players are valued members of the team nary a bad word is spoken. They write features extolling your virtues, your charity work and your family values. You can cheat on your wife, have a VIP table at the Brass Rail, and sell illegal Bolivian fireworks for all they care.

When the team knows it can’t keep you the skeletons suddenly leap out of the closet. Roberto Alomar went from future hall of fame good guy to Skydome Hotel lothario in weeks. Everyone in the city knew he was a humping machine, but it only became NEWS when he was on his way out. Then he spit on an ump.

From the looks of it Bosh and his ex fiancĂ©e grew apart but he was going to support his child. All of a sudden the relative merits of child support in Texas and Delaware are being discussed in Toronto Star Sports. Is he selfish because he wants the case argued in Texas, a notoriously tough state for women? Go ask Nancy Grace because I for one don’t give a damn

Bosh will follow every single player of note in Raptors history when he eventually leaves. Maybe there’s something in the organization, but we’ll never know. The “reporters” of the Star & the Sun would never bite the hand that feeds them.

I guess it's expecting too much for a team named after a brief mid 90's dinosaur fad to amount to anything.

Image from the soon to be dead Toronto Sun, courtesy of canoe.ca

Saying Goodbye to ER

This week after 15 seasons and 330 episodes ER closes up shop. I have never seen an episode of ER so I'm not the best person to eulogize the show. From the looks of the picture it was about doctors or maybe butchers with stethoscopes.

Starring the cute girl from Newsradio, the girl who could Bend it Like Beckham, Eminems manager from 8 Mile, Uncle Jesse and a guy who sort of looks like Seth Green it carved out a piece of the television landscape for years. I mean it was on for 15 years so it must have been pretty good.

With any long running show there are great moments and episodes that live on in history. Who could forget the contest on Seinfeld, Diane leaving Sam on Cheers or Ross and Rachel on a break on Friends. These were all shows that like ER were on NBC on Thursdays. I'm sure there are similar moments on ER but by 10 PM the PVR (and earlier the VHS tape) was full of entertainment. You gotta leave time for a book.

It was the show that made George Clooney famous and spawned millions of men and lesbians to recreate his Caesar haircut. A haircut which had been out of fashion for 2000 years and had only been seen on Shakeperean stages. I almost forgot about that and that's pretty groundbreaking.

So we say farewell to ER. For some like any loss it will be hard to adjust to life without it. Others will be surprised that it was still on.

Kumon is a sad place, and I know nothing about Kumon

As a child I was never sent to any special school to help me learn more better. I don't recall ever having a tutor to teached me stuff, and I certainly don't recall paying attention in class, and I turned out just fine.

Nowadays parents think that they have to start the learning process early by sending their kids to places like Montesorri schools (more like Monte"sorry") and KUMON. Now I don't know much about KUMON, (except for the fact that it was started 50 years ago by a Mr Toru Kumon who was trying to help his kids with Math. Kumon was later imported to the States in 1974) but what I do know, is that the sign on all of the schools doesn't look very happy.

Do you really want to subject your kids to that kind of sadness? Do you want to send them to learn under the banner of a confused looking "O" just so that they'll get a leg up on the other kids in class? Have you no shame?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Bad Business Idea: Vodka in a Skull

Everyday brilliant individuals are inspired to create new products. We have been blessed with so many things we take for granted in our lives. Products like sliced bread, televisions and microwaveable soup in a can have been the brainchild of visionaries which have benefited mankind.

Dan Ackroyd is not one of these individuals. Ackroyd is best known as one of the founding members of Saturday Night Live and for his roles in films as diverse as Ghostbusters and Driving Miss Daisy. The founding members of SNL were known to do a lot of blow.Along with the Blues Brothers & the Coneheads on SNL one of his best known characters was corrupt television huckster Irwin Mainway. Mainway would foreshadow his current career. He is also a bit of a kook, which was showcased as the host of the long running Global TV tax shelter hit “Psi Factor”. Currently too fat to get insured as an actor he owns and promotes a line of alcoholic beverages. His newest creation is Crystal Head Vodka.

Crystal Head Vodka combines three things which should have never been spoken of in the same sentence. A vodka distilled in Newfoundland and packaged in a glass skull.

Why Vodka? It is known as the drink of the Russian Tsars. Having overcome being associated with a corrupt inbred monarchy who led their country to military defeat and Communism, vodka came to North America. It’s best known property was hiding alcoholism. Businessmen could have a bunch of drinks during lunch and no one would be the wiser. In the nineties the premium vodka market was started by men of true brilliance who realized suckers would pay more for a clear, tasteless liquid in a nice bottle.

Why Newfoundland? A godforsaken rock off the coast of Canada, it is best known for exporting drunken labourers and fiddle music. By law every comedian on the CBC has to be from Newfoundland. Ackroyd claims they are making the vodka in Newfoundland because of the purity of the water but it’s most likely because of the cheap labour coupled with a sweetheart deal from the government.

Why Crystal Head? The mythical properties of the mysterious crystal skulls have been an enigma much discussed by late night radio crazies. It has grown in popularity since the last Indiana Jones movie that destroyed a franchise by having Indy survive an atomic blast by hiding in a fridge. No one knows, but many weirdoes have speculated on the skulls including Ackroyd in the Crystal Head video. The video is 7 minutes of insanity and 67 seconds about vodka.

So how is the product? It’s a clear, tasteless liquid that will get you drunk. The bottle is a great conversation starter, date ender and well suited for Halloween Parties or goth bars. It’s also quadruple distilled, so it can make you feel like some sort of alcoholic savant when discussing why you paid $50 for this crap when Smirnoff will set you back $20.

Crystal Head Vodka. No other vodka can make you feel like a zombie drinking brain juice from the skull of your victim.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Canadian Icon: The Seal Hunt

No not that Seal. We don't hunt soft rock singers in Canada...yet.

We now present our third in an occasional series that highlights the people, places and things that define Canada. Our nation was only founded in 1867 so many of our Icons predate our glorious independence. Today we look at an icon that is one of our oldest and also one of our most controversial...The Seal Hunt.

The Seal Hunt is known by many names. It can be called the Seal Slaughter, the Seal Cull or the most horrific thing humans can do to the cutest rascals around. It's origins are unknown, but legends persist that the Inuit rewarded the males in the tribe who would kill the most adorable critter they could find. They also needed fur clothing because it was damn cold up there. The animal that solved both issues was the seal.

Hey Little Buddy. You're about to get beaten in the head.

When Europeans landed on these shores starting with John Cabot in 1497 they quickly looked for resources they could exploit. Africa already being known for it's exportable humans, North America became known as the land where vain Europeans could acquire the materials to create garments from the most darling animals around. Fashion Houses in Paris and Milan were filled with clothes made from beavers, bears and most charmingly the seal. The Royal Houses of Europe and their assorted hangers on became the biggest customers and their subjects wanting to have some of that royal mystique followed them. Much like the lemmings which also were a prized commodity.

We flash forward to the 20th century. Modern Science has created wonder materials to keep us warm and in style. Celebrities needing the least controversial issue to make a stand choose the seal hunt. Fallen idols like Brigitte Bardot and Paul McCartney force the issue on to the back pages of newspapers as they visit Canada and assure coverage by getting pictures with the cuddly Seals.

You call this brutal? Call me after you've seen how parents act at a peewee hockey game.

An issue so controversial and nuanced can't be fully tackled in a forum such as this. Briefly though the Seal Hunt provides jobs to Newfoundland, the Arkansas of Canada and protects other species from overpopulated seals destroying their needs. Others wonder why a less attractive animal couldn't be beaten over the head horribly. Still more think that it gives Canada a much needed edge. Without the Seal Hunt we would be America's forgotten slow brother living in the attic. It's the leather jacket makeover to a geek.

This is what makes the Seal Hunt....A Canadian Icon.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Subtle Art of Advertising: How to Sell a Sexy Hamburger

How do you sell a Hamburger? This is a question that has plagued the marketing community for ages. What does it take to grab someones attention and convince them to choose a Whooper, Big Mac or whatever Wendy's sells.

Hardee's is a restaurant chain in the United States. They hit on the revolutionary idea to use an attractive spokesperson to sell a massive hamburger. A couple of years ago their corporate partner Carl's Jr used Paris Hilton in a car wash. They have now decided to use Padma Lakshmi.

The ad opens on Padma walking through an open air market suggestively pawing through fine food, which may be a public health violation and is certainly rude. She leaves the market, without having bought a damn thing. The host of Top Chef is a food expert and has tasted many of the finer things in life like her ex husband Salman Rushdie who is 23 years her senior. She sits down on the stairs of a lovely brownstone located on a Los Angeles soundstage. She opens up the bag and begins to devour the burger. She certainly hasn't learned table manners in her travels. As the burger is an all beef bacon burger we learn that Padma is neither a practicing muslim nor hindu. We also learn that Hardee's doesn't include napkins in their bags as they are environmentally conscious. That's taking green living a little too far. Unfortunately Padma has to use her fingers and tongue to clean up the mess this burger creates. I hope she washed her hands before eating. Who knows what she touched in that dingy market?

Unfortunately Hardee's is not in Canada so I can't try out this burger. I'm not sure I would want to eat at a restaurant that doesn't provide napkins. Apparently Top Chef is on Food Network Canada. I think I'm gonna check that out.

Making Good Things Better: The Mac Wrap

I'm a man on the go. I'm always in motion, closing deals, submitting reports or googling my name. There's not a lot of time in my day for things like nutrition, good taste or even edible meals. Recently I was on the road and hunger was calling my name.

That's where McDonald's has come in to help. As a Canadian Exclusive, Mickey D's has recently added to their lines of wraps. Combining the strengths of their tasty tortilla wraps with the classic taste of the Big Mac is the Mac Snack Wrap. No longer is there any need for 2 all beef patties or a sesame seed bun. What we get is an oddly shaped all beef patty, pickles, onions, lettuce, special sauce and 2 cheeses. Shredded Cheddar and Monterrey Jack replace the well worn taste of American cheese.

While I can't support outsourcing half of our Mac cheese needs to Mexico, the Mac Wrap was a success. The only thing I could think of while biting into the tasty $1.89 morsel of goodness was when I would need to Mac Wrap.

The Mac Wrap is also a healthy choice. At 350 calories and 21 g of fat the wrap version it is certainly more nutritious then the 540 calories and 29 g of fat of the classic version. Of course you need at least 2 wraps to match the hunger quenching qualities of the original but the wrap is so compact you can enjoy while jogging. So get out your New Balances & start running fatso because the Mac Snack Wrap, unlike your stomach is here for a limited time only.

Interweb History: Greatest Video Ever

The year was 2006. Canada turned to Stephen Harper to lead the nation into better economic times. Zinedine Zidane retired after the headbutt heard around the world. Daniel Craig showed us that James Bond didn't have to have brown hair. And an investigative reporter from Cleveland named Carl Monday showed us that public libraries are a cesspool of depravity. Then someone put that report on the internet. Then that poor idiot from that report was charged because he was caught playing with himself watching porn in the library. That the Daily Show tried to top it and failed shows that this is the greatest video on the internet ever.

The follow up report isn't half bad either.

Carl Monday Vs Library Pervert Part 2 - Watch more Funny Videos

Don't worry sickos the library may be closed but you can always head to the 24 hour Car Wash. In October a Michigan resident named Jason Leroy Savage went in for a wash and ended up getting caught having sex with the car wash vacuum. Mr Savage was jailed, but the vacuum has been in therapy since the incident.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Bruce Willis Guide to Picking Up Ladies

Hey Kids,

"Hey who is that old bald guy with the gold digger." You probably have no idea who I am. That's me, Bruce Willis in the picture with that hot piece of ass. Now to get things straight first off chief I ain't bald. I just shave my head to look cool and I have done so for the past 20 years. I'm a trailblazer kid. There's plenty of hair on that shiny plate. Second that's my wife you're talking about and she tells me every night she loves me for me. Then I tell her I love her for her sweet young ass and I give her a hundred.

Let me introduce myself. Every Christmas your dad gathers you around the TV and starts talking about the greatest action movie of all time. It's called Die Hard. While you fall asleep, dreaming of the Jonas Brothers I save an L.A skyscraper from a mad German Criminal just in time to get home for Christmas with my appropriately aged wife. Thats right bitches I saved Christmas. I'm also the guy that kills the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Yeah I'm a bit of a big deal.

You might also know me as the guy who used to be married to the hot older lady that's married to Ashton Kutcher. Look here's a picture where he's telling me what he did to my ex wife and MOTHER OF MY FREAKIN' CHILDREN the night before.

Good Times.

Well even a big star like me can go through a bit of a cold streak. Since I was sick of going on vacations with my ex wife and her new husband I needed to get a bit of payback (sorry I mean companionship). I'm too old and sick of the bar scene and Tom Cruise has that whole kidnapping a starlet into Scientology copyrighted. Listen I'm a origina, I only made 4 sequels of Die Hard.

So I did what any aging star without a hit in years does. I hitch my fading star to a current star, in this case Halle Berry and make a movie. When Halle slapped me and threatened to throw me off the picture I decided to get involved in the casting of the movie. I'm a real hands on guy in the movie making process. I changed the script so there would be a lot of roles for young women, preferably hot. I'm a big supporter in emerging young talent especially if they're not fatties.

We went through an intense audition process. Oh I auditioned day and night to find the right person for the role. She had to be young and hot enough to make Demi jealous and have major daddy issues. In Hollywood that's as easy as getting a table at Spagos during Yom Kippur. Kids that's easy.

So that's all you have to do kids. Get a studio to greenlight a shitty thriller, save millions from crap like Last Boy Scout and Die Even Harder and your lap will be filled with aspiring "actresses". Plus a cool goatee is a bonus.

Well that's it for me. My wife is about to rub some A5-35 into my head. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Bruno is out you interweb haters.

Pictures courtesy of IMBD.com
This was not the real Bruce Willis. The real Bruce Willis has been dead for 15 years.

Canadian Icon: Bill Wennington

The move that defined a career. Fouling a player better then him . Bill with Dikembe Mutombo courtesy of JAMD

Our latest in our series of people, places and things that have defined Canadian history. Today we look at the career of one of the players who changed the course of NBA History. A born champion who was one of the 15 most important players in the Chicago Bulls second three peat. A valued member of the Canadian Basketball Hall of Fame. His name .... Bill Wennington.

Bill was born in Montreal, Quebec in 1963. From an early age observers noted that this boy was destined for greatness on the basketball court. His skill...he was crazy tall and he knew how to foul. Bill dominated the playgrounds of Montreal as the other kids played while smoking DuMauriers and wearing skates.

As all Canadians destined for greatness, Bill moved to the United States to attend high school and later St John's University in New York City. As a member of the Redman, Bill made it to the NCAA Final Four. Alumni still recall the epic practices where his teammates could be heard to extol his skills. A day wouldn't go by without cries of "Pass me the ball you gangly fuck", "Why did you shoot that asshole?", or most famously “Get me a clean towel this time Beef”. His nickname Beef Wennington would stick to this day.

Bill was taken in the first round of the 1985 NBA Draft by the Dallas Mavericks. From 1985 - 1990 his emerging talent could not be contained. His points per game went from 3.4 in the 85/86 season with Dallas to 5.7 in 89/90 with Sacramento. Criminally left off the All Star team during this period Bill traveled to Italy where he spent 2 years playing for Bologna and take revenge on even ganglier tall white guys. A 2 year period that inspired a generation of European children to pick up a basketball.

Bill returned to the NBA in 1993 with the Chicago Bulls. Wennington was the only player with the talent and name recognition to replace Michael Jordan on the team. Jordan had recently retired to avoid paying his gambling debts. The 1993/94 season would turn Bill from Star to Legend. His average of 7.1 points and 2.8 fouls a game made the Chicago faithful forget about Michael Jordan and the game of basketball. The Cubs and Bears set attendance records that year.

His gambling debts repayed, Jordan returned to the NBA in 1995. Bill a consummate teammate surrendered the leadership of the team to "Air" to avoid strife. Along with Luc Longley he watched Jordan score, Pippen score and Rodman rebound while he fouled a succession of the greatest centers in NBA History. Shaq, Hakeem and Ostertag were all fouled in his quest. His reward was 3 championships but a question mark remains eternally unanswered. How great could he have been?

Bill retired in 2000. His legacy lives on in the new generation of tall white guys who can foul. Not since James Naismith hung a peach basket in a Springfield Massachusetts YMCA has a Canadian had such an effect on the game of hoops.

William ("Bill") Percey Wennington, Canadian Icon.

Bad Business Idea: Terrorist Training Video Home Workout

Remember those terrorist training video clips shown on CNN or FOX? Didn’t they make you think back to your days in elementary school where you were blissfully unaware of the world around you? Didn’t it make you stop and wonder whether you could still climb across those bars? Didn’t it make you wanna get up and work out? Well…didn’t it?

If you answered yes, then the “Abdullah El-Rahimi: Train Like a Terrorsist Home Training Video for Infidels” is right for you. In just a few short weeks, you too will also be able to drag your grown ass body across the local schoolyard monkey bar set with the ease of a 7 year old girl.

The video comes complete with 1 balaclava, 1 pair of Chinese slippers that don’t do shit to protect your feet from rocks or anything remotely pointy, assorted rags (some assembly required), and a grainy video in VHS format.

The video will cover some advanced training techniques like:
• Walking
• Slow running
• Crawling and rolling around on the ground
• Standing around
• Pointing
And as a special bonus we'll include training on how to:
• Throw rocks

Still not convinced? Then check out this video sent in by one of our satisfied customers trying out some of the fancy moves for himself.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Red Eye For Canada?

Image courtesy of the Washington Times

Red Eye is a overnight flight on an airplane. It is also what you call a brewed coffee with an added shot of espresso. Now Canadians also know it as a show that hates Canadians on Fox News.

Fox News Red Eye is a "comedy news show" on Fox. In this case comedy is defined as annoyingly unfunny. It is hosted by Right Wing Blogger Greg Gutfield and may have been created as a Right Wing alternative to the Daily Show. Every show features his hipster doofus co host, a "comedian" and a woman, usually a semi attractive Fox News Host wearing a short skirt. They will usually comment on the attractiveness of the women. It comes on at 3 am EST, after the fifth repeat of O'Reilly and Hannity. It's primary audience seems to be right wing stoners and insomniacs. No one really gives a shit about the show. The shamwow infomercial it competes against gets better ratings and offers better political commentary.

This week Red Eye made it into the news for the first time in it's short history. A segment featuring the wacky crew mocking our military made the Canadian News and Mr Gutfield was forced to offer a press release apology. Canadians were outraged. The same Canadians who protest the war, recycle their poppies and regularly mock our own military effectiveness. But it was a 3 am American cable news show that was the source of this outrage.

What about the facts behind the story. The Canadian Military doesn't have enough mechanics to keep their vehicles in service past 2011. The personnel is overstretched and needs a break. That's the real joke. The government is sending troops overseas to take part in a mission without the necessary resources. They're coming back on the Highway of Heroes and what pisses people off is some asshole with a TV show without an audience. Just because it is on Fox News.
Sometimes the fool is the wisest man.

Canadian Icon: Toronto Maple Leafs

Image courtesy of the Toronto Maple Leafs

A first in a series that takes a look at iconic people, places and things in Canadian History. Today we take a look at the most popular team in the most popular sport in the land....The Toronto Maple Leafs.

The National Hockey League was founded in 1917 with Toronto as a founding member. In 1927, the then St. Patricks were taken over by Conn Smythe. Smythe a hockey genius and hater of all things Irish, quickly changed the team name to the Maple Leafs. Out went the green sweaters and team mascot Lucky the Drunken Mick and in came the blue and white and glory. Smythe also had a poor grasp of grammer which is why the team wasn't named the Maple Leaves.

The NHL was a very different league before 1967. A highly competitive 6 team league where the 4 American teams were controlled by one family with close ties to the mob. 11 Stanley Cups were won in this period. Toronto's main rival for supremacy in the league was the hated Montreal Canadiens and in a 6 team league they played each other like 30 times a year. The Habs played with skill and were mostly French, 2 things that are hated in Toronto up to the present day. Each game was filled to capacity at the team owned Maple Leaf Gardens, a building built during the depression using labour at slave wages and lovely yellow brick.

Things would change in the late 60's. The NHL began to expand, a rival league was formed and the team was taken over by Smythe's idiot son Stafford and his skirt chasing buddy Harold Ballard. What didn't change was the continued success of the team at the turnstile, even with a host of mediocre players. As salaries rose the Leafs refused to get involved and players would leave in a revolving door of greatness. The names would fill the roster of any 2nd tier Hall of Fame Team. Keon, McDonald, Daoust, Leeman, Gill, Salming would all play for the blue and white then leave. The Leafs, led by Captain Darryl Sittler and his teammate Bill the Chimp would make a run in the 70's ending in the semifinals.

Heroically in the 1970's the team covered up a pedophile scandal so it wouldn't disturb the fervor of what would become Leaf Nation.

Ballard's death and the line of owners since him haven't changed the storied Maple Leaf way of doing things. Hockey fans in Toronto will line up and pay big bucks to fill the building and watch a mediocre product struggle through each successive season. As teams in hockey hotbeds like Anaheim, Tampa, Dallas & Carolina have lifted the storied cup named after a British Lord who never watched a game of hockey in his life, the Leafs refused to use their financial windfall to their advantage to unfairly succeed in the league.. This commitment continues, even though no one south of the Great Lakes gives a shit about the sport.

What does the future hold for the Buds? Only time and the Teacher's Pension Fund will be able to tell. What we can be sure of is that the lemming of Leaf Nation will continue to ensure sellouts at the Air Canada Centre.

Adventures In: Being a Rogers Cable Customer

Given the recent set of global events, I have had a growing interest in American news. I know what you're going to say, "Watching CNN, MSNBC and especially FOX will kill brain cells", but that doesn't change the fact that I feel a deep NEED to watch sensational, biased, fear inducing news.

Anyhow, in order to get my "fix" I called my cable provider Rogers in order to add the news bundle to my existing cable package . The news bundle which includes FOX, MSNBC, BBC is about $4, but oddly enough does not include CNN. What? They're the "Most trusted name in news". How can you not include them in your news bundle? The answer became pretty clear with the answer to my next question.

I then asked the rep, "So, what is the cost of me adding CNN?". The answer given was a bit confusing. "Uh, well, to add CNN you would have to get the bundle that has channels 28-70 at a cost of $21". WTF? How can you have a news bundle that doesn't include CNN, that then forces me to have to pay $21 if I want to get it? Oh I understand, it's to create a false perception of an option.

Negative billing, internet throttling, system access fees for wireless and now this. $21 for 1 channel. If you're going to bend me over, at least buy me dinner first.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Are Dodge Drivers Pussies?

I would say that the side by side comparison says it all. 'Nuff said.

It's a good thing I drive a Honda. Phew!

The Audio the Government Wants to Ban: Shocking Obama Audio About Harper

The mass media wants to portray last month's meeting of Barack Obama and Stephen Harper as a success. The following audio though shows the frightening truth the "free" press doesn't want you to hear. So what did Obama really think?

What happened at lunch?

What was said during the meeting!

Barack's advances towards Harpers Wife!!!

Behind the scenes scoop on planning the G8 summit

The Other Meeting: Talking about Harper to Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff

It seems that the so called "most inspiring figure of our generation" is a bit of a potty mouth and loves his french fries.

What other truth is out there?

Images from sbs.com.au & rabble.ca. Audio from the audio book Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance & taken out of context from the Boston Phoenix.

Restaurant Review: Olive Garden

Image of an OG in Utah.

For any Canadian visiting the lost city of Buffalo a series of exotic pleasures await. There is more to the city on the shore of Lake Erie then Buffalo Wings, cheap shopping and snow. A recent trip to the Buffalo suburb of Tonawonda (or it may be Cheektowaga, who the hell knows) unearthed one of these lost gems, especially to a generation of Canadians.

The Olive Garden is a chain of "Italian American" eateries in the United States. In Canada, the chain was closed down in the early nineties and replaced by the vastly inferior East Side Mario's. A brief glance at the menu showed the difference. Where Mario's offers unlimited salad and bread with every entree, The OG (as no one in their right mind would call it) offers unlimited salad and garlic breadsticks.

Inspired by their Culinary Institute of Tuscany, the gifted teenage chefs of the OG create a mix of flavours that match the greatest chefs in history including Giancarlo Boyardee or the monstrous Jolly Green Giant. My lovely companion and I started our evening in the charming waiting lounge where we awaited our table amongst a group of Buffalo's elite and hoi polloi. We were a handed a puck to alert us when our table would be available. When the puck magically glowed and vibrated it opened up a trip to a culinary wonderland.

We were pleasantly sat at our table and the first surprise awaited us. The chairs had wheels. As our time in the waiting lounge had opened up our appetites, we quickly ordered our appetizers and entrees.

First came the breadsticks and fresh house salad. The breadsticks were a mix of the finest garlic powder and heaven. The salad was a lively rainbow of sweet onions, mystery cheese, lettuce and olives depitted and deflavoured with a dressing reminiscent of the epic sub sauce found in a Mr Sub Assorted Sub.

Out in a flurry of activity came our appetizers. A mix of kalamari and fried mozzarella, with 2 bowls of marinara and ranch dressing. The kalamari was slightly tepid, but the fried mozzarella served to remind us why cheese must be fried to truly appreciate it's wonders.

Before we could say enough is enough, out came our entrees. I had ordered a 5 cheese baked Ziti, while my beautiful companion chose the Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara. The Ziti, which our experienced server explained " You know Macaroni, well Ziti is like a flat macaroni" was a delight. The 5 cheeses each offered a harmonious mix that reminded me of the Junior High School Orchestra our server must be a member of during the day. The Chicken & Shrimp Carbonara was no chicken went it came to taste.

Our appetites, not being able to take any more, told us to head to the border. We quickly paid, and headed back home, where the Olive Garden sadly is no more. While most visitors take a sampling of the plentiful portions home, we knew that the border guards would have never allowed us to bring this much flavour back to Canada.

How can you rate perfection? Further visits to Olive Garden await... or to the Sbarro in the mall.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Casualty of War: City TV vs CP24 & Obscenity Laws

As a way to make people realize that CP24 and City TV are separate companies, City is giving away trips to Greece. All you have to do is pick up the phone and say the phrase that pays. Might not be a great idea at 7:21 in the morning.

Black People Love Chicken

Dave Chappelle taught us that black people love chicken. It took McDonalds though to show us that just getting a whiff of a barely edible chicken sandwich is like a full moon to a wolf man. It turns a normal white guy into a BET host from the early nineties or the starting point guard of your 1991 Bel Air Academy Fresh Princes. Commercials, just another funky fresh way to get your learn on yo!

Could you pick up a steak, 2 bagels and touch of fabulous in aisle 5

Image Courtesy of canoe.ca

Take that Paris and New York. Toronto once again screams world class by having it's own fashion week showcasing the best in haute couture. Eat bellbottoms Yves St Laurent, get to the discount bin Gucci, there's a new(ish) kid in town and he doesn't have to be showcased in the finest stores in the world. His name is Joe and he has a "fresh take on fashion".

Joe Fresh is an exclusive fashion brand available at Loblaws branded supermarkets across Canada. It was created by the supermarket giant in partnership with the unemployed founder of Club Monaco to allow consumers to add a bit of fashion to their supermarket buggy. It also allows them to compete with the chic George brand available at Wal Mart. That is if you define compete as trying not to get crushed by Walmart.

The cheap chic ethic exemplified by Joe, George and H&M, the Swedish behemoth of disposable fashion survives on cheap basics and the belief that clothes dont have to survive multiple washings or be well made to be worn be worn by fashionistas. In a recession you look good, not by wearing the best in clothes or cosmetics, but saving money by not washing clothes that will fall apart the first time they meet Tide. By the way Joe Fresh is making cosmetics now. Think of all the savings caused by cosmetics you wouldnt want to be seen wearing outside of your home or a clown college.

In other fashion news SI swimsuit model Jessica White claims she can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, including chili, chip and wings. It's her "see food"diet. She sees food on her plate, she eats it, she sees it again 10 minutes later. Metabolism is another word for bullshit.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Canadian Government Must Bailout Global TV

Image courtesy of ABC Family

The American Government hasn't got a clue. Barack Obama and his spendocrats are giving billions of dollars to all the wrong places. How are things like infrastructure projects to build bridges that don't fall, bailing out banks which bought subprime mortgages, (would you ever buy something called subprime beef?) and saving car companies which forgot how to make decent cars in the fifties, going to help the average citizen? If you said jobs, access to capital and safety then go back to school and take a class in common sense taught by Stephen "The Real Hope" Harper.

Canada has the answer. The bailout money should go to a company like Canwest Global. A company which has produced mediocre news & faithfully rebroadcast widely available American Television Transmissions for 75 years (give or take). If it wasn't for Global we would have to watch channels from Buffalo with ads from Lockport Gambino Ford reminding us how cheap cars are in the USA. Scary

Some people may say they made a mistake partnering with Goldman Sachs & borrowing billions to finance their acquisition of channels like Showcase last year as the economy was imploding. Others may claim that buying newspapers in 2000 was a stupid move because the internet was making newspapers irrelevant and was only done for political motives.

Sure you may have some that say Global has never produced a single piece of programming that has contributed to Canadian Culture in it's history, but those people probably never saw an episode of Falcon Beach. What other programming geniuses could have created a show starring thirty year olds playing teens about a fictional summer retreat in Manitoba? Because when I think about hot fun (and big mosquitos) in the summertime, I always think about Manitoba. And don't forget other cultural gems like ET Canada, or that other show they produce to entertain shut ins on Saturday Nights who don't like hockey and uphold the absolute minimum in the requirements mandated by the CRTC.

What's that? Some nervous nellies may bring up the spectre of what influence the public money would have on a private broadcaster. Well if you think the Conservatives could have any influence on the editorial direction of Canwest Global then you, like most Canadians have never read the National Post.

Ford has "quality" balls

I'm driving down the street a few weeks ago and see this. Now, on a typical summer's day I wouldn't have found anything odd, but on that day something struck me. So I take a picture with my Blackberry and show it to my friends. We all have a a good laugh and carry on.

Now, fast forward to a few weeks later, when Ford decides to put out a campaign to challenge the long held opinion that domestic cars aren't made with the same quality as their imported competition.

Equal to Honda and Toyota? Really? You can't even get the placement of a windshield wiper blade right, and I'm supposed to trust you with my family's life?

Ford tried the same thing several years ago when the slogan was "At Ford, quality is job 1". Sure it is.

Seemed Like A Good Idea At the Time

I'm sure that in the 1930's the Marketing Department at this coffee company was lauded for it's brilliance and quirkiness. In todays world we don't do brilliance and the product name could just as easily be used as the title for Gay Squirrel Porn.

Chock Full O' Nuts....We Salute You!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Ron Paul in the new Bruno movie?

Image courtesy of Slate.com

According to an article in Slate, Ron Paul will be appearing in the upcoming Sacha Baron Cohen movie Bruno. I guess we've heard the last of Dr. Ron Paul in the political arena. His career will inevitably become a distant memory. Sorry Chris.

(Chris is a friend of HowDoesThatTaste.com and a staunch supporter of Ron Paul. Poor guy. He's going to be devastated.)

What to expect

The world today can be pretty gloomy with all the talk of the economy, terrorism, alien probes and lay-offs. But, it can also be pretty funny and ironic.

Our goal at HowDoesThatTaste.com is to give you those everyday gems that will limit boredom at work or at home and put a smile on that disgusting, soon to be wrinkled, face of yours. What?

How does that taste?