Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Bruce Willis Guide to Picking Up Ladies

Hey Kids,

"Hey who is that old bald guy with the gold digger." You probably have no idea who I am. That's me, Bruce Willis in the picture with that hot piece of ass. Now to get things straight first off chief I ain't bald. I just shave my head to look cool and I have done so for the past 20 years. I'm a trailblazer kid. There's plenty of hair on that shiny plate. Second that's my wife you're talking about and she tells me every night she loves me for me. Then I tell her I love her for her sweet young ass and I give her a hundred.

Let me introduce myself. Every Christmas your dad gathers you around the TV and starts talking about the greatest action movie of all time. It's called Die Hard. While you fall asleep, dreaming of the Jonas Brothers I save an L.A skyscraper from a mad German Criminal just in time to get home for Christmas with my appropriately aged wife. Thats right bitches I saved Christmas. I'm also the guy that kills the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Yeah I'm a bit of a big deal.

You might also know me as the guy who used to be married to the hot older lady that's married to Ashton Kutcher. Look here's a picture where he's telling me what he did to my ex wife and MOTHER OF MY FREAKIN' CHILDREN the night before.

Good Times.

Well even a big star like me can go through a bit of a cold streak. Since I was sick of going on vacations with my ex wife and her new husband I needed to get a bit of payback (sorry I mean companionship). I'm too old and sick of the bar scene and Tom Cruise has that whole kidnapping a starlet into Scientology copyrighted. Listen I'm a origina, I only made 4 sequels of Die Hard.

So I did what any aging star without a hit in years does. I hitch my fading star to a current star, in this case Halle Berry and make a movie. When Halle slapped me and threatened to throw me off the picture I decided to get involved in the casting of the movie. I'm a real hands on guy in the movie making process. I changed the script so there would be a lot of roles for young women, preferably hot. I'm a big supporter in emerging young talent especially if they're not fatties.

We went through an intense audition process. Oh I auditioned day and night to find the right person for the role. She had to be young and hot enough to make Demi jealous and have major daddy issues. In Hollywood that's as easy as getting a table at Spagos during Yom Kippur. Kids that's easy.

So that's all you have to do kids. Get a studio to greenlight a shitty thriller, save millions from crap like Last Boy Scout and Die Even Harder and your lap will be filled with aspiring "actresses". Plus a cool goatee is a bonus.

Well that's it for me. My wife is about to rub some A5-35 into my head. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Bruno is out you interweb haters.

Pictures courtesy of
This was not the real Bruce Willis. The real Bruce Willis has been dead for 15 years.

No comments: