Sunday, March 29, 2009

Bad Business Idea: Vodka in a Skull

Everyday brilliant individuals are inspired to create new products. We have been blessed with so many things we take for granted in our lives. Products like sliced bread, televisions and microwaveable soup in a can have been the brainchild of visionaries which have benefited mankind.

Dan Ackroyd is not one of these individuals. Ackroyd is best known as one of the founding members of Saturday Night Live and for his roles in films as diverse as Ghostbusters and Driving Miss Daisy. The founding members of SNL were known to do a lot of blow.Along with the Blues Brothers & the Coneheads on SNL one of his best known characters was corrupt television huckster Irwin Mainway. Mainway would foreshadow his current career. He is also a bit of a kook, which was showcased as the host of the long running Global TV tax shelter hit “Psi Factor”. Currently too fat to get insured as an actor he owns and promotes a line of alcoholic beverages. His newest creation is Crystal Head Vodka.

Crystal Head Vodka combines three things which should have never been spoken of in the same sentence. A vodka distilled in Newfoundland and packaged in a glass skull.

Why Vodka? It is known as the drink of the Russian Tsars. Having overcome being associated with a corrupt inbred monarchy who led their country to military defeat and Communism, vodka came to North America. It’s best known property was hiding alcoholism. Businessmen could have a bunch of drinks during lunch and no one would be the wiser. In the nineties the premium vodka market was started by men of true brilliance who realized suckers would pay more for a clear, tasteless liquid in a nice bottle.

Why Newfoundland? A godforsaken rock off the coast of Canada, it is best known for exporting drunken labourers and fiddle music. By law every comedian on the CBC has to be from Newfoundland. Ackroyd claims they are making the vodka in Newfoundland because of the purity of the water but it’s most likely because of the cheap labour coupled with a sweetheart deal from the government.

Why Crystal Head? The mythical properties of the mysterious crystal skulls have been an enigma much discussed by late night radio crazies. It has grown in popularity since the last Indiana Jones movie that destroyed a franchise by having Indy survive an atomic blast by hiding in a fridge. No one knows, but many weirdoes have speculated on the skulls including Ackroyd in the Crystal Head video. The video is 7 minutes of insanity and 67 seconds about vodka.

So how is the product? It’s a clear, tasteless liquid that will get you drunk. The bottle is a great conversation starter, date ender and well suited for Halloween Parties or goth bars. It’s also quadruple distilled, so it can make you feel like some sort of alcoholic savant when discussing why you paid $50 for this crap when Smirnoff will set you back $20.

Crystal Head Vodka. No other vodka can make you feel like a zombie drinking brain juice from the skull of your victim.

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