Barbie Is a Ho

While the world keeps changing it is refreshing to find that certain things stay the same. The sky may be filled with smog but the sun comes up every morning. Russia may have thrown off communism but they are still our mortal enemy. Are morality may be lessening but Barbie is still a triflin' ho.

Parents are furious over the latest Barbie model available from Mattel. Known as Totally Stylin' Barbie the doll offers little girls the chance to update their favourite toy. It comes with 40 easy to apply tattoos to update her image. Unlike real tats they are easy to remove. Mattel sees this as a way to update the dolls image for today's lifestyle. How about they start by putting the "Made In Indonesia" stamp in a less conspicuous place. Sure the idea of putting a tramp stamp on the iconic doll is stupid, but I'd rather girls not have to think of the kids earning $1.50 a day making the doll and being choked by rubber fumes.

Sure this might is a terrible idea, but it keeps this doll in the news. After 50 years I think Barbie has damaged the world so much that anything they do cannot make it worse.

In a related ho story, has anyone noticed that Mel Gibson is basically dating the octomom. The resemblance is frightening.

The Toronto FC Hooligan Menace Continues

We thought we were safe. It only happened in Europe and on terrible pseudo documentaries on The Score. We laughed when Frodo played one in a British movie that was replayed endlessly on The Movie Network. Well the laughing has stopped because the scourge of soccer hooligans has landed on North American shores and ground zero is Toronto.

After rampaging through the sleepy Ohio town of Columbus and terrorizing the Crew, the massed Carlsberg fuelled army of Toronto FC fans has turned on their own. On a cold night in Toronto playing MLS powerhouse Chivas, FC was able to overcome injuries and their usual last minute ineptitude to triumph with a one goal advantage. The celebrating of this victory was all fun and games until somebody lost an eye. Well no eyes were lost but a thigh was burned and $2000 damage was done to the turf.

Two teenagers have been charged with possession of a weapon for a dangerous purpose, assault with a weapon, assault causing bodily harm and mischief under $5,000. They should be charged with having terrible aim, weak arms and being douchebags. How a stadium full of people can light flares with no injuries while a couple of idiots here hit a woman and the carpet that is the turf at BMO Field is a disgrace. There are only two reasons that flares should be lit during a soccer match. That is to either celebrate a goal or to intentionally injure an opposing player when you’re losing. It works especially if they’re a rival and you ping the teams best player in the eye. Revenge is a dish best served with an eye patch.

The soccer fans in Toronto have developed a reputation of being the best fans in North America. That is if you don’t count Mexico as part of North America and no one does. They have done so by actually showing up and caring about what is happening on the field. It’s the first time that fans on this continent have come close to achieving what occurs every weekend in Europe. That it has happened in a city with a historically poor fan culture like Toronto is an even bigger shock. Toronto will only become a world class haven for hooligans when fans can toss a flare and burn a cornea rather then a woman’s pants. So until the glorious day when a player is rolled off the field because of a flare we remain second class.